*Violent diarrhea noises* …Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don’t have to. …Blue-related pun. I don’t know, I just wanna get this review over with. *Royalty-free music playing over “The Smurfs 2” title music* [NC]: After the – and I can’t believe I’m saying this- “smash hit Smurfs movie”… …it only figured to do a sequel with the exact same people. The downside is, it’s lame, contrived, not funny, bad for kids, bad for adults, bad for anyo– -actually, let’s make this easier: the UPside is, it made a lot of money. …And of course, that’s what matters most, so they threw more money at the sequel to make more money back. The result, once again, is an unpleasant bouquet of nausea under the guise of family entertainment. …And seeing how the last time I did a crossover was with the Black Nerd, it only figures to extend him the same offer again. Hey Black Nerd, how you d– [BN/André]: Ey, what up, homie? Yeah man, put me down for 200 on the Patriots losing, a’ight? Ain’t no way their ass can cheat their way to victory this year! You know what I’m sayin’?! When are you gonna come back here, with ma bong, a’ight? I got to get high. Man, “Black Nerd” has to do a review of the new Power Rangers movie trailer, and I can’t do that, unless I get blazed as fuuuuck… Ey man, Imma have to call you back. There’s a “White Walker” present. Well well well, if it isn’t the Nostalgia BITCH. [NC]: …Uumm… Hi Black Nerd, I was… reviewing “Smurfs 2” and was wondering if– [BN]: Ooh, I get it, I get it. You thought I was gonna leave beautiful, sunny California, to fly to yo’ neck o’ the woods, In the dead o’ winter, to talk about that damn Neil Patrick Harris Smurfs sequel with yo’ punk ass!? [NC]: …Well, I don’t know about my ass’ punk qualities, but– [BN]: What the hell’s wrong wit’chu, man? You think that’s all there is to me? You think I’m all just Smurfs and Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers and… Tiny Toon Adventures an’ shit? [NC]: …I- I don’t know-
[BN]: I’m a grown-ass man, what about you? You sit around all day watchin’ 80’s and 90’s kids’ TV shows and movies? [NC]: …I don’t know… [BN]: Tha’s real sad. I feel bad for you, Critic. Imma pray for you. Maybe the next time you do a charity shoutout, it should be shoutin’ out to gettin’ you a life. I ain’t got time for this! I got a underground gambling ring to take care of! Not to mention all those hot Nintendo Switches imma sell on Ebay… …that fell of a truck. …You ain’t hear that from me. A’ight man. Peace, loser! [NC] …Y- that’s right, you better run…! [BN]: What’chu say, punk!?
[NC]: Nothing! Nothing! [BN]: Mhm. Watch yourself. …Oh and by the way: (In usual personality): Call me when you do Smurfs: the Lost Village review! I’ll be right there for ya Critic! I love you like a play cousin! I’m outie 5000! Chain-Chomp-Yomp! Heh… …Ya punk-ass motherfu-… [NC]: Well! I’ll show him who’s got a life! I’m reviewing Smurfs 2! The film opens with “Smurfology”… …isn’t that the church Tom Cruise belongs to…? [Narrator] …the evil wizard Gargamel was concocting a diabolical plan! [NC]: Definitely the same church. …As the narrator gives the backstory of how their only female, Smurfette, entered their group as a creation of Gargamel, to infiltrate them. [Narrator]: …Papa saw the good in her. He turned her into a true, blue Smurf. [NC]: Uh… What did he do to her in there…? …Is it the same treatment Link gets when he goes into that woman’s house to regain life? …’Cause if so, this would be more than a PG. …But it seems like she still may have a little bit of evil in her. [Clumsy Smurf]: She’s got a dragon wand! [Slow-mo Shouting] [NC as Smurfette]: Oh! It was all just a bad movie… [Papa Smurf]: Smurfette! Are you okay… [NC as Papa]: …I heard you from my peeking perch outside your window. [Smurfette]: Oh… *cries*
[Papa]: There there… everything’s going to be fine… [NC as Papa]: Now I’m sure you were gonna take a… shower or something, so why don’t you get to that? [Reporter]: “Gargamania”, the magical sensation that has captivated the nation… [NC]: The movie kindly reminds us that “Entertainment Tonight” is still on TV, and that Gargamel uses what little magic he has left to become a famous magician. This displeases his bad Meow Mix commercial- I mean pet cat. [Gargamel]: That’s it, get it.
*Laughs* [Vexy]: Father’s going to love this!
[Hackus]: Hackus wanna play! [NC]: These two characters are Vexy and Hackus, played by Christina Ricci and J.B. Smoove. I’m introducing them to you because the movie forgot! We didn’t see them made, we know nothing about them… …we’re just stuck with these two characters that never ever got an introduction! Ugh, don’t you hate it when that happens, Bill? [Bill]: Mmmmhmmm…! [NC]: *Keh!* That is so Bill. But there’s big trouble brewing down at Smurf Village… …like Smurfette thinks everyone forgot her birthday, when really there’s a surprise party being planned! *smacks table*
Shit’s gettin’ real! [Farmer Smurf]: Occasionally, it’s good to have a little… *throat clear* alone time. [Grouchy Smurf]: Yeah, so take a hike!
[Brainy Smurf]: Yeah, we don’t need ya here, we’re good. [Smurfette]: So… no-one remembered my birthday…? [NC]: Okay, there’s like a billion of you. And nobody invented Facebook yet. I think this would be quite common. Also: you nearly wiped out their village! You’re lucky they didn’t burn you like a Kentucky-fried Joan of Arc and you’re bitching that they forgot your birthday!? If blue privilege was a thing, you’d be the Violet Beauregarde of it! [Parents]: ♪Happy Birthday dear Blue…♪ [NC]: Speaking of Blue, that’s the cruel name given by parents Neil Patrick Harris and Jayma Mays, celebrating his birthday with the arrival of Harris’ stepdad. But Harris hates him, because he’s… …reasonably nice? [Stepdad]: …And you must all be his friends… which makes you… my friends! You’re all gettin’ hugs…
[Friend]: Heey…! [Harris]: You’ll want him to leave… just wait. *Stepdad exclaims happily*
[Harris] I. Don’t. Like. This. At. All! [Stepdad]: Ahh, there’s nothing like the embrace of two proud Doyle men. [Harris]: I am NOT a Doyle man. [NC]: No, you’re the rough draft of Niles Crane. Regardless, we have to hate each other for some reason, and… …I… still don’t really see a reason. [Stepdad]: I’m going to present each and every one of you with a free corndog! [NC]: Oh NO, he accidentally gave someone allergic to peanuts a peanut product! Okay. NOW he’s a bastard! We sympathize with Harris…! [Harris]: He shows up, and he ruins things! That’s what he does… [NC]: You hand out treats, hugs and compliments in HELL, where they belong! So Gargamel says he wants to kidnap Smurfette, to figure out how he can make BLUE smurfs, …so he can steal their magical essence to take over the world. [Gargamel]: And then… the entire world shall BOW BEFORE ME! [NC]: Huh… uh-th- that… seemed like kind of a leap there… …I…It used to be he wanted to eat them… …then he wanted to turn them into gold, then he wanted to increase his magic, now he wants to conquer… the world. Jesus, he’s gonna run out of things he wants to do soon! [Gargamel]: -the entire world shall BOW BEFORE ME! [NC]: And after that, I’ll… …take up skydiving – I don’t know, I’m just making this up as I go. …So he opens the doorway to Smurf Village, through – I bet you’ve never seen this- a portal in the sky… I’ve literally done so many of these jokes I have a punch-card for a free sub! Oh! Thank you! …And he sends Vexy to kidnap Smurfette. *Smurfette shouts*
[Other Smurfs]: Smurfette! [Vexy]: So long! Meeeeh! [NC]: Another sign of high-paid writing there: [NC, as Smurfs 2 writer]: …And then she says: “So long,”… …”Meeeeh!” Hahaha! Not bad for someone who just learned how to talk! [Brainy Smurf]: My powers of deduction lead me to believe that this is the work of Gargamel! [NC]: Yeah. Who else would it be? You’ve shown no other characters or parts of your world. …So while Papa assembles a team to go and save her, Harris is dealing with REAL troubles of his own! Like his stepdad wants to put a crown on the birthday boy! I… j-p-pWHAT?!! [Harris]: You didn’t bring the crown…
*Stepdad chuckles* [Harris]: Don’t put the crown on him.
*Blue blows raspberry* [Stepdad]: This is the way you do it, look… *raspberry* [Harris]: You see what is going on out there!? *raspberry* Oh, yeah, he’s a terrific role model. [NC]: Well, this is inexcusable. WHAT KIND OF MONSTER WOULD DO SUCH A THING? …Hey, Tamara, what’s wrong with you? [Tamara]: Uhh… well, after being estranged from my drunk, abusive grandpa for years… …he calls me up today and tells me that even at birth he didn’t consider me part of the family. [NC]: Oh come on, that’s NOTHING! THIS grandparent gave HIS grandchild A PAPER HAT! A PAPER HAT! …So we also find out that he… …He also gave away Harris’ bird when he was younger, because the stepdad was allergic. [Harris (sounding pained)]: When… *sigh* my dad took off, he left… Zeus, and… …I loved that bird. [NC]: Hah! All the more reason to hate the bastard – WORST AUTHORITY FIGURE EVER! …But the portal opens up, and the Smurfs return to take credibility away from Harris once more. *Menacing violin* *Stepdad screams*
[NC]: Welcome to Hell! This is exactly what awaits you in the fiery pit! It’s just this on a non-stop loop!
*More screaming* [Smurf stuck in hand puppet]: I’m blind!
[NC]: Oh who am I kidding: any part of this movie would be playing in Hell. [Harris]: What are you guys doin’ here?
[Clumsy]: Smurfette’s been taken! [Mays]: Wait, what?
[Harris]: Tak- What do you mean taken? [NC]: What other way can you interpret that? She got cast in a Liam Neeson movie… What do you mean “what do you mean’?! [Mays]: I’ll call the dog-sitter, you get Blue’s passport. …So Harris and his family agree to help them by going to France to find out where Gargamel is performing, and… Bill! [Tamara]: Bill, I didn’t know you were here!
[Bill]: Mmmhmm. [Tamara]: God, seeing you again reminds me I should forgive him for the bad things he said.
[Bill]: Mmhmm. [Tamara]: Thank you Bill.
[Bill]: Mhm. [Tamara]: I’m so glad we have this detailed history together.
[Bill]: Mmm-hmm. [NC]: *Gah* That is SO Bill! Jayma tries to find out which room Gargamel is in, but the hotel won’t let her. But she dresses up like Audrey Hepburn, so they will tell her! [Jayma, in British accent]: No-one wants to be on the… the…
[Hotel employee]: The fifth floor. [Jayma]: Oh… [NC]: I’m just astonished there’s a Breakfast at Tiffany’s homage and yet no Mickey Rooney dressup! Imagine how that would have gone! Oh Hell no I’m not doing a sketch on that, I wanna keep this channel! [Harris]: Wha–
[Blue]: Hi daddy! [NC]: Oh yeah, I forgot: Blue’s performance in this is… Well, he’s a kid, so how do I put it lightly- -he’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen. After every moment you’d swear he screams “YAY, I said a line!” [Blue]: Hi Daddy! Smurf smurf smuurf! Daddy always loses…! YEAH! [Anakin]: Are you an angel? [NC]: Oh sorry, that was Jake Lloyd. But it was hard to tell the difference wasn’t it? Gargamel uses his magic to turn Harris’ father into a duck, and fling Harris around the room. [Blue]: Daddy’s flying! DADDY’S FLYING! [NC]: You’re not acting! YOU’RE NOT ACTING! [Gargamel]: Enough fooling around, yes? Open wide, Azrael! [NC]: No, no, throw the kid in there! That’ll be more than worth the price of admission! [Stepdad/Duck]: Put him down! [NC]: Aflac, motherfucker! [Duck Dad]: What are you so cross about? [Harris]: You always barge in and ruin everything! You’re like a walking disaster! [NC]: You know, I really hope someone was just channel-surfing and came across this scene… I would love for them to rationalize what’s going on. *channel surfing* [Duck Dad]: Look me in the eyes and say that!
[Harris]: I can’t! *smash* And yes, by the way. A good chunk of this movie, we have to deal with the stepdad as a duck. [Blue]: Grampa Vicster’s a duuuck! [NC]: Okay, I need to know if you fit in a blender! What makes this scene even stranger is that he’s got a little black stripe on his beak! So it looks like we’re listening to Hitler Duck! I do not wanna listen to Hitler Duck! No wonder the cartoon that preceded it was this: [Donald]: Heil Hitler Heil Hitler Heil Hitler Heil Hitler… This of course just adds to Harris’ anger of his stepdad. [Harris]: I’m gonna strangle that duck! Vic’s like a black cloud that follows me around! [Jayna]: He shows up!
[Harris]: Yeah, whether you want him to or not… [Jayna]: A lot of fathers don’t even do that!
[Harris]: He’s not my father. [NC]: Need I remind you, paper hats and being allergic to birds? DEVIL! [Blue]: Good luck daddyyy… [NC]: Oh my GOD, every time this kid talks, cancer gets a little stronger! …But that doesn’t stop his stepdad from coming anyway, and getting caught by the chefs. [Duck Dad]: Oh yeah! It starts with the ducks! And soon no-one’s safe! [NC]: Really. Duck Hitler just made that joke. What’s next? Heil Flipper? The literal goose-step? It looks like Smurfette is getting more friendly with Vexy, but unfortunately they already used their “I kissed a Smurf” joke in the last movie. [Vexy]: I’m sorry Papa Smurf didn’t come for you. [NC]: …And I’m sorry you were in “That Darn Cat”… [Vexy]: Maybe your place is here… with us…? [Smurfette]: Yeah… maybe it is. [NC]: Yeesss… After being here less than a day, and… most of that day being used to torture you, clearly this is where you belong. [Vanity]: Why is she being nice to them…?
[Grouchy]: She’s just identifying with her captors. [Clumsy]: No! She thinks we don’t care anymore… [NC]: Maybe it had something to do with us acting like we didn’t care anymore… Yeah! If you knew her sensitivity was so great, like she clearly said here: [Smurfette]: They know how tough my birthday can be… [NC]: Why would you be stupid enough to fake her out!? Isn’t that like, half the day, telling someone how much you hate them and then at the last minute just saying, “Kidding! Love you.” Hmm, then again, maybe that WOULD work, seeing how she suddenly thinks Gargamel is a caring father, simply because he gives her a gift. [Hackus]: Hahaha! Bow! Kneel! [NC]: …Okay, I’m not gonna say anything… but I am gonna freeze-frame here: *Ta da sound effect* Do as you will, internet… It’s the Smurfs, nobody will fault you. Smurfette also seems to get her first taste of real power when Gargamel gives her a tiny magic wand. [Smurfette]: How do you know I won’t use it on you? [Gargamel]: …Uh… We-uh… Be- Because… Smurfette, I am your father! …Search your feelings, you know it to be true! [NC]: Hm. Well. At least he didn’t do the– [Vader]: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo- [NC]: I have to admit, I do -kinda- like seeing her go a little sadistic, now that she can. [Smurfette]: Sing the La-la song… [Gargamel]: Ehh…
[Smurfette]: SING IT! [Gargamel]: (Classic Smurfs theme)♪La la la-la la laa… uegh…♪ [Samuel L. Jackson]: And you will know my name is the LORD! …When I lay my vengeance upon thee. [NC]: She seems to enjoy doing evil, especially when it’s inconsistent, -like not breaking mirror glass, but breaking window glass… …as the Smurfs are launched out while Harris saves his stepdad. [Duck Dad]: Take to the skies, lads! Free at last! FREE AT LAST!
[Harris]: What are you, Martin Luther Wing…? [NC]: …But that wasn’t Star Wars-related!
[Vader]: It just feels good, okay? [NC]: Harris’ dad catches the falling Smurfs just before he turns back into a human. [Harris]: Where’s Smurfette?
[Papa]: …Too late… [Harris]: Nice going. [NC]: You are Satan’s ANUS with Klansman mustard! How DARE you save the Smurfs from a falling building!? (sic) …Actually I would hate him too. [Nostalgia Critic theme] *page turning effect*
[Walter]: What’s up everybody, Walter Banasiak here from Awesome Comics, and I’m here with: [Aiyanna]: Aiyanna Wade.
[Bryan]: Bryan Porter. [Walter]: …and this week we’re talking about Game of Thrones: season 6. Is it the best season yet? We’re gonna answer that question on Awesome Comics this week, so go ahead and check out that episode! *page turn* [Nostalgia Critic Theme] [NC]: …So it’s revealed that all of Harris’ anger towards his stepdad was for nothing. …Oh, not because Harris was being a total heartless dick! But because the bird that was taken away from him as a kid wasn’t because the stepdad was allergic, but because Harris was allergic. [Stepdad]: Your mother and I both knew that… it’d break your heart to think the bird had to go away because of you! …Sniff my feathers. *sneeze* …Truth itches, doesn’t it? Well. That changes what was OBVIOUSLY a legit reason to hate a parent. …Why, that’s almost as dumb as hating your family because they forgot to throw you a birthday party! *sound of a CG cat repeatedly bashing its head against the floor* [Blue]: …Grampa Vic-ster…? [NC]: …What do ya think was the first take? …I mean: if they always have to use the best take for the film… what do ya think the other takes were? [NC, as Blue, sounding like a babbling Gilbert Gottfried]: GAM-PA-VIC-TER? [NC, as Blue, sounding like he’s spitting across the room with each syllable]: GLA-PLA-BLI-PHLE? [NC, as Blue, sounding like his tongue has been paralyzed, then ran over thrice]: SHEPHLESHIKEPLEUKEPEKEPAH? [NC, as Blue, communicating with some Eldritch horror beyond mortal comprehension]: KHA’H! SH’ESJ’HA-KHAGH! [NC]:…You know, by take 43 I’d give up too! …And because this film totally doesn’t care that it wants the main theme to be “daddy issues” exactly like the last film, we once again have another balcony scene between Harris and Papa Smurf EXACTLY the same as the first one! [Papa]: …I haven’t done enough! [Harris]: Gargamel just made her, but you… you made her what she IS. No one asked you to, you just did. …That’s a… pretty special… …Kind of love. [NC, as Harris]: …Ah well, still hate my dad. Off to botch this movie so bad they’ll reboot it in a few years. But Gargamel finally shows his true colors and tells Smurfette that if she doesn’t give the secret formula to changing the Smurfs blue, he’ll let Vexy and Hackus die. …Not seeing the downside here. [Smurfette]: I’ll give it to you! Just…
[Gargamel]: The formula first. [Smurfette]: One hopeful thought… A dab of royal jelly… [NC, as Smurfette]: Weapons-grade plutonium…
[NC, as Gargamel]:Whaat? [NC, as Smurfette]: A unicorn’s urine…
[NC, as Gargamel]: Oh come on…! [NC, as Smurfette]: A Smurfs movie with glowing reviews…
[NC, as Gargamel]: Okay, now you’re playing with me! [NC]: The formula works, and he puts them in an evil machine to suck the life out of them, to gain their essence. He-hey! This might be a happy ending after all! [Vanity]: *gasp* There she is!
[Smurfette]: Papa? Oh, Papa! …I gave Gargamel the formula… [Vexy]: But she saved our lives! [NC, as Papa]: …So that’s TWO stupid things you did! I SO disown you! …But they all get captured, and soon Gargamel is taking all their essence away. Oh, what? No onions…? …I’m still not over that – what was that about!? …But Harris and his stepdad reunite and destroy the evil machine, resulting in… …Eeeh, I’ll give credit: a very pretty visual. Even shit can accidentally look beautiful sometimes. …And the Smurfs are safe, once again. [Vexy]: …Is this what “happy’ feels like…? [NC]: No… no. If it’s in this film, it’s not what “happy” feels like. [Blue]: Daddy an Vicsteeer! [NC, as Blue, drenching the microphone]: DLE PLE PWLE PWESHA [NC, as Tasmanian Devil]: PWE SHE-SHA BLEBLUH! [NC, literally just vomiting at this point]: PWLEAGH! …Yeah. Don’t expect to be nominated for a Screen Actor’s Award anytime soo- Th… th-they grow up so fast… …But that’s what these Smurfs movies do! They take great talent and use them at their worst. Neil Patrick Harris is SUPER unlikable in this, none of the actors are given any funny lines, even Hank Azaria, whose voice is pretty funny and has good timing… STILL can’t make any of this work! It’s a bad followup to an already bad film. ( subcribe to ben def channel) And I’m happy as hell it’s the last one I ever have to watch, for sequel month. *indescribable cat-bashing-head noises again* I’m the Nostalgia Critic, and THANK GOD it’s finally over! *SLAP* [Tamara]: You can’t just do two sequels for sequel MONTH! (she’s right dude my name is Elias) [NC]: Oh really, let me check my rule-book that doesn’t exist: Hmm, hee, hmm, haa… Oh yeah, here it is, right under article one. [Tamara]: Okay, the people deserve more, even if it goes beyond the month. [NC]: Yeah? Well they’re not getting it. [Bill]: MMMMMM…?
[NC]: Oh c’mon Bill, don’t gimme that look. [Bill]: HMMMMMMMM?
[NC]: Look, I know what you’re insinuating! Especially after all we’ve been through! [Bill]: HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM…?
[NC]: *sigh* Okay fine, I’ll do one more, only for you Bill. [Bill]: (satisfied) Hmm.
[Tamara]: Isn’t Bill wonderful? [NC]: He is. I love you Bill.
[Bill]: Hmhmm… [NC]: After next week, there will be ONE more sequel review.
[Tamara]: Oh, which one? [NC]: Oh. You’ll see… *dramatic drums kick in* [NC]: Okay Bill, what the hell? I thought I knew you.
[Bill]: Hmm mm Hmm? (I don’t know) [Nostalgia Critic Theme] [Blue]: Smurf Smurf Smuurf! Hey, Doug Walker here, doing the charity shout-out, and this week we are doing the African Wildlife Organization. This charity works to ensure that wildlife and wild lands of Africa will endure forever, protecting an astounding diversity of species – including human beings! Africa is home to certain species that are facing extinction. By putting safeguards in place like training rangers, using sniffer dogs… …and empowering communities, they’re helping to ensure all of Africa’s wildlife survives. Critical to protecting Africa’s wildlife are the local people. Sharing the land, often alongside each other, can lead to struggles in resources and deforestation. If people and wildlife learn to live together, inside and outside of protected areas, the future for all will thrive. If you go to their site or look at their Youtube videos, you can see all the terrible things that are being done to some of these animals by poachers and other poor choices. However, you can also see all the animals who are being saved and will continue to be saved thanks to your help. These are very important creatures in a very important place, and they need to be saved. Take a look at these incredible animals and see how you can save an entire species from extinction.