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“Porch Pirates” Steal Holiday Packages | The Daily Show


With the rise
of online retailers, it seems like everything
is getting delivered to our doorstep. Last year,
my cousin was pregnant, and her baby showed up
in an Amazon envelope. Yeah. They saved on hospital
bills and free shipping. But if you’re one
of the millions of people waiting for a holiday package
to be delivered to you, you better watch out– because some assholes
are coming to town. NEWSMAN:
Faster than they arrived, packages can disappear. Tonight, porch pirates are
striking across the country, just as a record number
of deliveries are being made. Captured on camera but
not always caught by police, The New York Times says
nationwide, more than 1.7 million packages
are stolen or go missing every day,
90,000 in New York City alone, an astonishing $25 million
in lost goods and services across the country. Sweet Lord! Two million packages stolen
a day. 90,000 in New York alone. I mean, I only steal,
like, two or three a week, -but I guess it adds up.
-(laughter) And by the way, why is the news calling them
“porch pirates”? These people just steal shit. That’s just got called “thief.” Don’t be making people sound
cooler than they are. “Oh, I’m a Walgreens pirate!” -No, you’re a shoplifter!
-(laughter) A real porch pirate would attack
your porch with a crew and then take it over. Yeah. The house would still
be yours, but every morning you’d have to swashbuckle
your way to your car. Just like, “Ya! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! “I’m out!
Aw, shit, I forgot my phone. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!” Be like, “Aargh!
You win this time, Steve! But we’ll see you
when the sun sets! Arrgh!” “Actually, I have a lot of work,
so I’m gonna be home late.” “Again, Steve?! “Your marriage is suffering!
Aargh! The other day
your son called me Dad!” (laughter) (applause) -(cheering, whistling)
-But… but no matter
what you call them, stolen packages
are clearly an epidemic. And the police have come up
with a few novel solutions to fight this crime. NEWSWOMAN: The rampant theft
has the sheriff’s department in Washington County, Oregon,
going on offense, planting bait packages
on front steps to catch culprits and deter
potential criminals. Once the package is picked up,
police use a combination of GPS,
cell phone signal, even radio frequency
to track it down. In Round Rock, Texas,
one police station creating
Operation Front Porch. Instead of risking theft
at your home, you have your packages sent to
the police station for pickup. We’ll store it
and categorize it, and we ask you to come
pick it up within three days. A place where you keep
your packages secure so customers
can come pick them up? My man,
you’ve just invented a store. (laughter) And don’t get me wrong… don’t get me wrong, it’s nice
that the police are helping, but I’m gonna be honest,
I think the police already have too many jobs in America. Police have to solve crimes,
they have to direct traffic, they have to find shelter
for the homeless, they have to do social work,
answer white ladies calling 911. Now they’re working retail, too? So what, you’re gonna have cops
coming up to your car window like, “Sir, do you know why
I pulled you over?” “Uh…” “‘Cause we got these
new boots you’re gonna love!” (laughter, applause) So… the police
are doing what they can to stop package theft,
but in many cases, you’re gonna want to call
Animal Control as well. NEWSWOMAN: A Los Angeles
homeowner can rest easy after learning who was stealing
packages from his front door. You see it right there. Turns out
it was this little guy. Surveillance video caught this
sneaky squirrel in the act, grabbing an Amazon package
and dragging it away. It appears the porch pirate
has been pretty active. The owner says he
frequently finds his packages in the bushes
around the apartment complex. Yeah, you didn’t see
that coming, huh? A squirrel stealing packages. I bet you thought
it would be, like, a raccoon ’cause they look like criminals
with that mask, but you know what?
That’s profiling. Because statistically, squirrels and raccoons steal
at the same rate, but no one suspects
the squirrels ’cause of cute privilege. (laughter) You know, what’s funny
about this whole thing, though, is because the squirrel
takes the package and then throws it away
in the bush, it’s almost like
the squirrel is hoping there’s gonna be acorns in there
and always gets disappointed. Just like,
“Damn it! Another iPhone. “Someday,
they’ll have to buy acorns. It’s all anybody eats.
It’s all anybody eats.” So, when you’re having gifts
delivered this holiday season, please keep an eye
on your packages. And if you forget
to buy someone a gift, at least now you have
the perfect excuse. “Yarr! It was
the porch pirate. Arr!”

Stephen Childs

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