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Is The Government Spying On Me? (feat. @Brandon Rogers) – Your Worst Fears Confirmed


Is the government spying on you?
To answer that question, joining me in the void
is spy expert, Brandon Rogers. I love how secure this void is.
Took me 12 hours to get in. Yeah, there’s a key,
but it lives inside me. The government states that
they only monitor and analyze the data of citizens whose behavior
has been classified as odd. What does the government
classify as odd behavior? Liking ISIS tweets, searching
wikiHow for meth videos, and buying Hoobastank
concert tickets. So, if you don’t do any of
those things, the government will not
put their peepers on you, unless you go on vacation.
Aruba. You’ve been working all season
to get your body bikini-ready, and now it’s time
to show it off. You spend the entire beach day
corkscrewing your legs to capture
the perfect thigh gap. That evening, at your B&B,
you use the complimentary laptop to upload your thirst traps
to social media. Why go on vacation if you can’t
make other people jealous? #selfcare You’re lulled to sleep
by the soothing dings of your acquaintances’ approval, and doze right
through your alarm, waking up moments
before checkout. You grab your things
and rush out the door, forgetting to log yourself
out of your host’s laptop. Which shouldn’t be a problem.
The owner’s a sweet, elderly woman
who never uses the computer because Minesweeper
gives her vertigo. But her new house guest
is not to be trusted. He’s a dealer, using the B&B
as a temporary drug den. It’s a common scam; drug dealers love using B&Bs
for pop-up popper shops. The government gets an alert
that MethyBoy69 is updating his Silk Road inventory
while logged into your account. They put you on their watch
list, bug your phone, start transcribing your calls.
Your secrets are their secrets, because the government
is spying on you. Let’s say you never log in
with your personal info on someone else’s computer. You keep it exclusively
on your devices, and you make sure
to log out after every use. It’s a lot of work: constantly logging in and out
of all your black mirrors. You’re exhausted and stressed. You buy a therapy dog
who’s been trained in cuddling. One night, while you’re
in the process of logging out
of all your accounts, he notices you’re anxious,
and nuzzles up to your arm. You’re instantly calmed
by his soft fur, the gentle heat of his belly
on your chest, and you fall right asleep, and thus don’t realize
that your positivity pooch has placed his paws
on your keyboard, and is absent-mindedly
tickling your laptop’s ivories. Your browser auto-corrects
his dog nonsense into the words “bomb”
and “build”. As his left paw types, his right paw keeps hitting
the refresh button, so by morning, you’ve searched
how to build a bomb over 10,000 times. The government puts you on
their domestic terrorist list, dubs you as the Lady Bomber. Days later, you fill an online
shopping cart with bleach, dry ice and safety goggles. You think you’re making a sexy
Doc Brown costume for Halloween, but the Feds think you’re making
an improvised explosive device. And now, you’re going
to Guantanamo, because the government
is spying on you. Let’s say you have
no social media. You delete all your accounts,
piss all over your router. You’re done leaving the
footprint on the World Wide Web. You get a flip phone. All it can do
is make calls and play Snake. And calls is the only way you
get in touch with your friends to let them know
about your Dungeons & Dragons board game tournament.
And you have a lot of friends. Makes sense.
You’re a doctor. Everyone thinks
you’re hilarious. To speed up the calls, you use
abbreviations, tell everyone, “DND at your house, 6:00 PM. Can’t wait to slay you
with my longsword.” Which shouldn’t
be suspicious, except DND is also
the code name police use to mean drunk
and disorderly. That, along with
the word longsword, leads them to one conclusion: you’re the dungeon master
of an old-time fight club. You don’t even have time
to blow on your lucky 20-sided die
before a SWAT team breaks down the doors
to your mother’s basement. Police find nothing but
Bagel Bites and orc figurines, but they’re not
giving up that easy. They add you
to their list of suspects. You’re never going to defeat the
[Drakelitch 00:03:57] because the government
is spying on you. Let’s say you never play
Dungeons & Dragons. In fact, you never
do anything fun. You adopt a completely boring,
non-odd lifestyle, swap your JNCOs for khakis, burn all your
Hoobastank T-shirts, and change your name
to something bland like Joe Ball, which should be a perfect
way to stay under the radar, except the government
has been tracking a serial killer named Joe Ball for years, and it’s FBI
protocol to also track whoever has the same name
as a suspect. FBI estimates there are about
2,000 serial killers currently on the loose,
so there’s a 0.0006% chance you’ve got the name
of a murderer. Next time you board a flight to visit your equally
non-odd family, you can’t board the plane.
Your name’s on the no fly list. Aaargh!
You freak out. They think it’s because
you’re Joe Ball, the butcher of Elmendorf, and tranquilize you on the spot.
When they wake you up, they apologize for
the misunderstanding. But what you don’t know,
is that while were under, they implanted you with
an inner body tracking device. You can buy it from MIT;
it’s called ReMix. And ReMix is the reason you keep
setting off metal detectors and why your dumps glow
in the dark. Sure, you could change your name
to whatever you want, but it won’t matter, because the government is
watching every step you take, and every bowel
movement you make. Let’s say you’re done
trying to please the government. You’re not playing
by their rules. So you abandon all your
possessions, and head out west. You’re a nomad,
squatting for shelter, and foraging for sustenance. One night, you find your way
to an old abandoned mansion. It’s pristine. You’re shocked
no one lives inside. Now you explore, find the fridge
is stocked with booze. There are no books
or notepads in sight, so you pass the time by getting
drunk off the free house hooch. And you’re an emotional drunk. After six bottles,
you’re deep into your ugly cry. There’s no one to talk to,
so you start spilling your guts to the framed picture
of Julie Chen, tell her how you wish you were a
real doctor like Doogie Howser. You’re so drunk, you think
Julie’s eyes keep moving. But that’s because they are. They’ve been following you
all around the house, because you’ve wandered
into the Big Brother house while the show’s on hiatus. The one producer
who’s in charge of monitoring the mansion spots the footage,
sends your tapes up the chain and the bigwigs say
you’re a star. This is the Big Brother spinoff
they’ve been looking for: Little Sister. All of America tunes
in to watch you drink, sleep and spill
your worst fears. The government does not
have to spy on you because every citizen
in the country already does. Let’s say all of this
is pretend, because you’re a comedian, and you’ve come up
with a silly show idea. You pitch an episode about
making fun of people’s fears that the government
is spying on them. To do a good job,
you spend weeks researching how to know if the government
is spying on you, the ingredients
in the pipe bomb, names of serial killers.
All of is odd behavior. The government starts
spying on you. You tell them you’re
simply a comedy writer. They tell you they love comedy.
In fact from now on, they’ll watch every
single video you make. You’re in a prison
of your own making, because the government
is spying on you. So yes, the government
is spying on you. It’s just a matter of
when and how. 100% confirmed. I’m Dr. Natasha [inaudible
00:07:00]. And I’m spy expert
Brandon Rogers. And your worst fear
has been confirmed. So how did you get in
if the key lives inside me? (laughs) So funny.
I’m Brandon Rogers, and I’m going to be taking over
Comedy Central for a week, and if you thought
that was hilarious, check out some of these videos
right here. You’re going to pee,
you’re going to poo, it’s going to be a great time.

Stephen Childs

100 Comments

  1. It's Brandon Rogers Week (10/21 – 10/28) on Comedy Central Originals! Subscribe for new videos featuring Brandon every day this week: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCNVBYBxWj9dMHqKEl_V8HBQ?sub_confirmation=1

  2. People were telling me to put tape over my camera because of the government this vid makes sense to me now lol thanks

  3. Joe Ball…how about Alonzo Ball. What they really doing in Lithuania?? Meeting with Gallagher?? Those serial exaggerations about his sons talents are suspicious

  4. Or you can be environmental, or black. The FBI will think you're more dangerous than a white supremacist.

  5. “Unless you go on vacation, Aruba”

    Me: I go there every summer should I be worried?!

  6. im a little bit more than half certain that they might have spied on me lol

  7. I know where to find meth LSD and all that stuff because I got Ceruous….

  8. Thanks now I have paranoia for everything I do so I decided to hide in my shower box with nothing then a picture of myself to remember my name

  9. If I cover my camera my phone goes black even if I try to put my cards number if camera is covered it won't let me 🤷 .

  10. Absolutely in love with the creativity of these videos. The host is great, the ominous music is perfect, the comedy has awesome timing. Thank you for the content!

  11. Omg i have an idea, you can do the
    If you sneeze with yours eyes opened would they pop out

  12. OH SHIT I didn’t know they did this good thing they don’t know my apartment has a secret sex dungeon and I only look stuff up on the library computer because I can’t afford WiFi

    Oh wait…

  13. Me,knowing that i googled "the best way to kill someone"
    And "the best way to hide the body"

  14. Headcannon:
    The key was actually a medieval tampon that got lost in the doctor's body and ended up in her stomach. She had eaten key lime pie for dessert, But artificial fluorescent green dyes in the pie provided enough sunlight to cause a lime tree to germinate and sprout out of her. The lime tree carried the key with it but broke off in a plane crash that she survived (shoulda put it in airplane mode). He found the key.

    Creepy guest stars will find your hidden body keys. It's just a matter of when and how.

  15. I want her to be the strict yet naughty librarian that catches me being inappropriate with a stack of old Nat Geo's

  16. At some point he said they don't need to network to keep an eye on you because everyone else already does my high ass shit bricks and thought hard about it

  17. WAIT MY NAME IS JOSHUA SENORITA,I,m going to jail :c,1 year later,buff and tough and in jail

  18. 🤣🤣Brandon Rodgers, Leicester city's Manager. Am I the only one who has noticed this

  19. What if the government starts spying on you after you watch this video Bc they know what you’ve learned

  20. I watched this one serial killer series and started looking up serial killer names oh man am I screwed

  21. Guys I think the government is spying on me. They have bugged my house. I am living on street. They are using homeless people to track me now. Save me please.

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