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Good News: The Government Still Exists


LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO
“THE LATE THOUGHSHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AS YOU WERE.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AS YOU WERE. SMOKE ‘EM IF YOU GOT ‘EM. THEN PLEASE STOP SMOKING,
BECAUSE IT’S TERRIBLE FOR YOU. POINT IS, THERE’S GOOD NEWS FOR
THE MILITARY AND THEIR FAMILIES. BECAUSE EARLIER TODAY, THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION ANNOUNCED PLANS TO PULL U.S. TROOPS OUT OF SYRIA
IMMEDIATELY. THIS IS GREAT NEWS FOR THESE
FAMILIES. AND TRUMP EXPLAINED THE REASON
FOR HIS DECISION IN HIS HISTORIC TWEET, “WE HAVE DEFEATED ISIS IN
SYRIA, MY ONLY REASON BEING THERE DURING THE TRUMP
PRESIDENCY.” “BUT AFTER THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY
I MIGHT HEAD OVER THERE BECAUSE I WILL BE ON THE RUN FROM THE
LAW, AND THERE WILL BE NO TROOPS TO FIND ME.” BUT–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT– AND I KNOW THIS WILL SHOCK
YOU– WHAT THE PRESIDENT SAID MAY NOT BE TRUE. FIRST OF ALL, HIS TWEET CAME AS
A BIT OF A SURPRISE TO– OH, WHAT’S THE WORD? THE PENTAGON. BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE DEFENSE
DEPARTMENT, THE NUMBER OF ISIS MEMBERS IN SYRIA AND IRAQ COULD
BE AS HIGH AS 30,000. AND, RIGHT NOW, ALLIED TROOPS
ARE ON THE CUSP OF CAPTURING THE LAST MAJOR TOWN HELD BY ISIS
EAST OF THE EUPHRATES. “ALL RIGHT, TROOPS, THIS IS WHAT
WE TRAINED FOR. WE’RE GOING TO GO OVER THERE AND
WE’RE GOING TO END THIS THING! SO I WANT YOU IN FULL BATTLE
RATTLE WHEN WE CROSS THAT– HOLD UP. I’M GETTING A TWEET. HOLD ON A SECOND. NO, FORGET WHAT I SAID. BACK TO THE BASE.” WHICH WAY IS THE BASE? ANYBODY KNOW WHERE THE BASE–
OF COURSE, WITH A SITUATION AS COMPLEX AND DANGEROUS AS THE
SYRIAN CIVIL WAR, WHO KNOWS IF THIS IS THE RIGHT MOVE FOR
AMERICA. BUT WE KNOW IT’S THE RIGHT MOVE
FOR RUSSIA, BECAUSE RUSSIA’S ALSO GOT TROOPS THERE BACKING
THE ASSAD REGIME. AND, TODAY, RUSSIAN OFFICIALS
EXPRESSED SATISFACTION WITH TRUMP’S DECISION. BUT A PENTAGON OFFICIAL ASKED
JAKE TAPPER, “SO WHEN DOES RUSSIA ANNOUNCE THEIR VICTORY?”
OH, THAT’S EASY. IT WAS NOVEMBER 8, 2016.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LATER. AND–
OH, GOOD NEWS, THE GOVERNMENT OH, GOOD NEWS. HERE’S SOMETHING I THINK I WOULD
NOT BE SAYING TODAY– THE GOVERNMENT STILL EXISTS. BECAUSE, THIS AFTERNOON, MITCH
McCONNELL AND NANCY PELOSI AGREED TO A BILL THAT WOULD FUND
THE GOVERNMENT THROUGH FEBRUARY 8– JUST IN TIME FOR VALENTINE’S
DAY. THEY ALREADY HAVE A PLAN TO
FURLOUGH GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES WITH CANDY HEARTS. “YOU’RE THE ONE.” “WHO’S OUT OF A JOB.” BUT HERE’S THE KEY THING:
THERE IS NO FUNDING FOR TRUMP’S WALL.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YES. NOTHING. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS– THE
REPUBLICANS BLINKED. ANDIAND THAT IS USUALLY NANCY
PELOSI’S JOB. TRUMP IS NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY,
AND HE WAS ALREADY FRUSTRATED, TWEETING, “THE DEMOCRATS ARE
SAYING LOUD AND CLEAR THAT THEY DO NOT WANT TO BUILD A CONCRETE
WALL– BUT WE ARE NOT BUILDING A CONCRETE WALL. WE ARE BUILDING
ARTISTICALLY-DESIGNED STEEL SLATS, SO THAT YOU CAN EASILY
SEE THROUGH IT.”( LAUGHTER )
OH, OH, IT’S ARTISTICALLY DESIGNED. THAT’S DIFFERENT.(AS TRUMP): “I’M SEEING AN OPE
CONCEPT STEEL SLAT, YOU KNOW, TO IMPROVE FLOW FOR PARTIES. MAYBE ADD A 2,000-MILE GRANITE
COUNTERTOP. AFTER ALL, WHAT IS A BORDER WALL
BUT AMERICA’S IMMIGRATION BACKSPLASH?”
NOW, WHERE DID THE DEMOCRATS GET THE FOOLISH IDEA THAT THE WALL
WAS GOING TO BE MADE OF CONCRETE?>>I’LL TELL YOU WHAT, IT’S
GOING TO BE MADE OUT OF HARDENED CONCRETE.>>Stephen: UNLIKE– UNLIKE
TRUMP’S PROMISES, WHICH ARE MADE OF SOFT-SERVE BULLCRAP.

Stephen Childs

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