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CP Time: Government Conspiracy Theories | The Daily Show


Do you guys like black people? (cheering) Well, then you’ll love
Roy Wood Jr. with another episode of CP Time. ♪ ♪ Ah. Welcome to CP Time, the only show
that’s for the culture. Now, it’s no secret that black folks love us
a good conspiracy theory, like how rapper B.o.B. thinks
the world is flat or Mos Def doesn’t think
Osama bin Laden did 9/11 or how I believe
that Khloe Kardashian is O.J. Simpson’s
secret daughter. (chuckles) Oh, that O.J., always leaving DNA everywhere. No wonder
they call him the Juice. But the conspiracy theories
that unite all black people are about the government. Uncle Sam gets more blame than
alcohol after a pregnancy test, like the conspiracy theory that
the government created AIDS, which I personally
don’t believe. We all know
that the only manmade disease is kidney stones. Somebody sneaking them stones
up there. Think about it. Then, of course,
there’s black folks’ suspicion that, during Hurricane Katrina, the government blew up
the levies on purpose to flood out
poor black neighborhoods and spare the white ones. That’s right. The government even turned water
against us. I’d expect that
from racist-ass lava but not you, water. That’s why I only shower now
with Lime Gatorade. Who can you trust? Now, I know you white people
out there– you’re all laughing. You all think black people
is crazy and gullible. I can hear you chuckling. Oh. “Chuck, chuck, chuck,
chuck, chuck, chuck.” But this is serious,
when you realize how many conspiracy theories
against us turn out to be true. Like how black people
with syphilis thought they were being treated, but were actually part
of a government experiment. -(audience groaning)
-That’s right. The government did medical
experiments on black people, and we didn’t even get
any superpowers. (laughter) If I’m gonna have syphilis,
I should also get to be the She Hulk or Syphilis Man, or one of the new members
of The Avengers. Fair is fair. And what about during the 1960s when we all said they were trying
to sabotage Martin Luther King? And then in the 1990s,
we found out that they were trying
to sabotage Martin Luther King. They wiretapped him and released
salacious transcripts of his most intimate moments of
fornication with random women. I refuse to read a single word
of that slander. I did listen to that audio book,
though. (laughter) Freaky deaky. So the next time
you’re fixing to laugh at a black person’s
conspiracy theory, just remember we’re batting
about .250 on these, which brings me to the biggest
conspiracy theory of them all– that Popeyes Chicken is a front
for the CIA. (laughter) A ten-piece and sides for $20. (laughter) Those are crack prices. But thankfully, I’ve been able
to resist this product for years because I know better
than to ever give in to… (gasps) -Oh, my God.
-(laughter) Oh, my… oh, my God,
they got biscuits, too. Well, I think that’s all
the time we have for today. (laughter) I’m Roy Wood, Jr.,
and this has been “CP Time.” -(cheers and applause)
-And remember– for the culture. Oh! Could you turn the lights
off, please? Turn the lights…
Thank you. Eat this in private.
Mmm! Roy Wood, Jr. , everyone.

Stephen Childs

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