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“Are we exclusive?” – Dating Differences USA vs. GERMANY | German Girl in America


Is dating an American a lot different than dating a German? A lot of people keep asking me this and here is my answer. Hello, Servus and welcome back to my youtube channel. My name is Felicia, I’m currently in my home country Germany, in Munich to be exact. I have spent about a year in total in Cincinnati, Ohio, and I’m going to go back there for another year, starting in August. First of all, I want to say thank you for over 1,000 subscribers. I’m really really glad that so many of you guys enjoy my videos and support what I’m doing So please keep subscribing keep leaving me comments and let me know if you have any suggestions for new video topics. This one has been requested a few times as well in the comments and also by some of my friends, dating, How is dating different in Germany and in America? Is there even a difference? Are German guys a lot more reserved than American guys? And how is it to date an American that is superficial and shallow and will make you all the compliments in the world but not really mean them? As someone who has dated both German and American guys, I think I can at least give you a little insight in this topic and share my personal experiences off the dating life as a heterosexual girl with you but, obviously, not all Germans and not all Americans are the same. So you guys might have had experiences that were completely different from what I’m going to share with you. So I think I’ll just start from the very beginning when two people meet; In my experience when you’re out in a bar or in a club or somewhere It’s very striking that American guys approach girls a lot more than German guys do and I think this probably has to do with how outgoing most Americans are, not only the guys. I have talked about this before in my video on small talk, Germans just have a higher threshold of sharing personal information with others. So even in a bar or a club it’s not very common to approach a stranger, especially when they’re with a group of friends. I think Germans usually like to wait for the right moment, or have an actual reason to approach you. Americans on the other hand like to just walk up to you and flat-out ask you for your phone number or just make you a compliment. So this is the first difference that I’ve observed that, in general, when Americans are out, they hit more on people and interact more with others than Germans do. Now let’s go to the next stage going on a date; In America, it seems like there are certain rules and certain routines that a lot of people like to follow when it comes to dating, This is what it’s supposed to be like, these are the rules, this is how we do it. Germans on the other hand seem to be a lot more individual with this, dating in Germany is something that is based a lot on communication and there are no set rules that suggest at what point in time someone is supposed to make the next step or something, but let’s just start with the first date; So on a typical first date in America, The guy will usually pick up the girl at her place often in his car and then they will drive together, to the restaurant or the movie theater depending on what they’re doing. The guy will usually pay for everything or at least most of it hold the door for her make her compliments and at the end of the night bring her back to her place and this is when she can ask him to come inside if she wants to which is a scene that exists in almost every dating movie. So overall, this is the norm of how a first date will happen in America and of course there are always exceptions, but there are certain expectations established, and another big difference is that chivalry seems to play a really big role on dates in America. As a German girl you might enjoy that a lot or maybe you don’t like it and even feel a little patronized by it. In Germany, I feel like women are seen more as equals when it comes to dating and there aren’t any set rules for how a first date is supposed to be lik. Usually people meet up right at the location so at the bar restaurant movie theater depending on what they’re doing and the guy will usually be a little bit more reserved and not make as many compliments as an American guy would but, as we know it from Germans, when they do make a compliment, it’s very likely that they actually mean every single word they say and then at the end of the day they will just say goodbye at the location itself or maybe at the subway station or the parking lot, whatever makes sense and the guy might pay for the girl but it’s also very common to just split the check and I know that a lot of Americans consider this super rude for a guy not to pay the check on a first date and some Germans do too but there are also a lot of German girls that actually preferred that way because it doesn’t give them the feeling that they owe anything to the guy then, after the first date, I have made the experience that people in America often start playing games with each other, actually, they sometimes start before that even after they have gotten someone’s number. So they will take a few days until they reach out to the other person again, they’ll try and make themselves rare, even when they really like the other person, playing games is something that Germans do too obviously but in America, I feel like it’s something that is a little more common if you will. After that, if both people are interested, there will be a second date and then a third date and you’re supposed to wait at least until the third date until you sleep together. After that, when you keep going on dates with each other, it doesn’t automatically mean that you’re dating that your boyfriend and girlfriend. The way I have experienced it in America is that it’s usually okay for both people to also go on dates with others or talk to others at the same time, until you have had the talk and decided to be exclusive and this seems to be a very important step in America because this is when you put labels on it, this is when you decide to be boyfriend and girlfriend and a lot of Americans my age seems to be really scared of this step because it’s like ‘oh my goodness until now I was allowed to act like [insult not captioned] and now suddenly all of my freedom is gone’. Obviously, I’m exaggerating a little bit here but to me, it just seems like there are these two big groups amongst young Americans; On the one side, there are the ones that get married in their early 20s, they love commitment, lot of them are religious too, and then on the other side, there are the ones that are really really scared of commitment until they are, let’s say over 30 and ready to settle down and in my personal experience, I feel like this is a little different in Germany, I mean, of course, there are people that are not super into commitments but I feel like there are less young people that are that scared of relationships. A lot of my friends here in Germany are in long-term relationships but that doesn’t always mean that they’re going to get married to that partner. I feel like it’s very common here to have several serious long-term relationships until you find the one that you want to get married to if you want to get married at all and maybe start a family with them and I personally haven’t met a whole lot of people my age in America that are in I’m going say “normal” long-term relationships which means in a relationship without being engaged to that partner or married or having a kid already and I’m not saying that German young people do it better than Americans or Americans do it better than Germans but it’s just a difference that I’ve noticed. Also, in Germany, as I said before, there are nearly as many rules for dating as there are in America, I feel like here dating is just a very individual thing. Not everyone goes through any specific dating routines and a lot of the couples I know have never actually been on a formal first date, you just do what works for the two of you . A big difference, though, is that at least in my experience as soon as you start spending time with a person in a romantic way, you’re not supposed to see anyone else at the same time. You’re automatically expecting from the other person that there are monogamous with you, even when you haven’t had the talk yet and decided that you’re exclusive. It’s quite the contrary actually because I would say that you’re supposed to have a talk when you don’t want to be monogamous yet, in order to let the other person know and see if they’re okay with it. I think that a lot of Germans grow up with a rather sophisticated image of relationships; A lot of people here will tell you that friendships and relationships are only as good as the communication is every relationship is different and it won’t get you anywhere unless you and your partner talk about what you want from the relationship and talk out any conflicts. There might be if your partner really wants to be with you, they’ll always try to understand your point of view and you’ll find a compromise together, at least this is the relationship image that I grew up with and I mean, maybe this works a little better in Germany because Germans, in general, are just very honest and direct with what they want. In America, I’ve experienced this a few times that a friend of mine was talking about the sky she was seeing because she doesn’t really know what he wanted and where she was standing with him and then when I suggested to just ask him, she would say that he will only tell her what he thinks she wants to hear but not what he actually wants. As I said, a lot of people in America seem to think that they have to play games that they have to play a lawn because this is just how it works. To me, this was a little weird in the beginning because I feel like it just makes things more complicated than they have to be but I’m convinced that there are several cultural factors that play a role in why Americans do this and I’m not trying to say that German relationships are perfect in any way but I just feel like in Germany it tends to go a little bit more into this mature, communication-based and realistic direction and all these things the set rules and the expectations the games and America versus the rather direct and honest Germans that like to communicate a lot are the reason why I personally think that dating in Germany is a little easier and a little less complicated than it is in America, at least for me. In America, I feel like a lot of people have this perfect, idealistic romantic image of a relationship that doesn’t need anything but love. They like to follow the rules and if things don’t work out at the first try, a lot of them give up. Again, I’m exaggerating here and obviously there are lots of Americans who are more realistic than that and who communicate with their partners a lot but this is just the overall trend I’ve observed and, since I’m already talking about these idealistic images in America, I’d like to mention sex education very quickly, as well. Most of you guys know probably know that Germans are very liberal when it comes to sex and nudity and that, in America, sex is a very sensitive topic overall and, being in America, I was a little shocked about how bad sex education seems to be in some places. Not only do some schools address this topic relatively late, sometimes not until the eighth or ninth grade but also apparently some schools actually teach their students that the only way to have safe sex is abstinence. I’ve heard stories of friends of mine who told me that their sex education in school was mostly their teachers showing them some deterrent pictures of S.T.Ds and I know it’s not like that everywhere in the states but just the fact that people my age have had sex education on such a low level really really shocked me and I think that America needs to catch up here a little. In Germany, most schools through sex education in fifth grade and they usually teach the kids how to use contraception and they definitely don’t demonize sex in general and there’s also a very popular weekly teens magazine here in Germany called Bravo that has a small section on sex education as well and it teaches kids that sex is something natural, tells them about different ways of contraception and different ways to approach sex and also conveys the message that they should never do anything for which they’re not ready and that sex is definitely not a competition and, after hearing all these stories from my friends in America, I’m actually very thankful that we have such a good sex education here in Germany in the schools and also have this magazine because I feel like a lot of people here are very educated, when it comes to contraception or S.T.Ds or other sexual related topics. So I know this video wasn’t supposed to be about sex education but I think that this definitely has a connection to the whole dating topic especially when it comes to young people who first start going on dates. So to come back to the dating topic and to sum this all up, I personally do think that there are a lot of differences between dating in Germany and dating in America especially when it comes to all these rules and expectations. I personally think that it sometimes makes it more complicated in America but, at the same time, I’m not going to lie I’ve also enjoyed a lot of these things in America all these romantic gestures and the chivalry being picked up at home getting tons of compliments, so. yeah, it can be nice too. I hope you guys enjoyed the video, despite or maybe because of the sex part. I mean sex sells, right? Definitely leave me a comment to share your personal experiences, let me know if you’d be interested in a video on sexuality in Germany versus America and yeah, thank you so much for watching. Subscribe to my channel if you like what I do, and I hope I’ll see you next time. [In German] Bye! You

Stephen Childs

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